Love Hung on a Cross

"He looked around the hill and foresaw a scene. Three figures hung on three crosses. Arms spread. Heads fallen forward. They moaned with the wind.

Men clad in soldier's garb sat on the ground near the trio...

Women clad in sorrow huddled at the foot of the hill...faces tear-streaked.

All heaven stood to fight. All nature rose to rescue. All eternity poised to protect. But the Creator gave no command.

'It must be done...' he said, and withdrew.

The angel spoke again. 'It would be less painful...'

The Creator interrupted softly. 'But it wouldn't be love.'"


-In the Eye of the Storm, Max Lucado.

Change...

I don't mean to sound like a defeated dolly...


but change is hard...

there are so many up-in-the-air questions right now in my life...


like a lame limbo era...


and I hate limbo...

I remember limbo like it was yesterday...with marriage around the corner..but no hubby ...graduation around the corner..but no diploma yet...limbo is lame....

Question one: Where is my career going? Should I look into progressing my current career? or Do I find something else I am passionate about? I am young and educated..and motivated...I could do anything! Now what do I do? and in this economy...

I have yet to blog about it...but in March, I started a part time job tutoring highschool kids in biology, chemistry and math. And I LOVE it. Yep, you read right...I am currently working 1.5 jobs. And yes, one full time job is plenty...holy crud, working is worlds apart from college...it'll wear you out...

...but, before you judge..and think I am crazy... my mindset before I started looking for a part time job was: I have little to no responsibility in the context of kids/house/etc., and I am already the bread winner right now..why not be the SUPER bread winner...

plus...if I am going to be the SUPER mom/wife I want to be ..I want to build my stamina..haha and who doesn't love emparting wisdom (spiritual or intellectual) to youth AND... a little extra cash doesn't hurt.

Tutoring has unexpectedly reintroduced my passion for teaching...In my first year of college, I signed up for a program that allowed you to take a few extra classes along with my biology degree and come out with a teaching certification by my senior year. I stopped this program, however, after a year because I was sure I was going into medical/PA school. I didn't need any extra classes...especially pointless ones...

Well...then I met my husband.



Not that all dreams have to stop when you meet your husband...I mean thats not optimal...



But my career path changed when I got married.



Our lives became one...



Suddenly, it became obvious that it was extremely unwise to go to a VERY expensive school..to invest in a career that would GREATLY compete with my current desire to be an amazing wife and mother...



I wholeheartedly DID NOT want to incur any debt on my family that was not DEFINITELY going to be made back in due time...



I DID NOT want to add any unnecessary financial stress on our family because I was "entitled" to my dream career.

How is that being a "wife of noble character"? How is that "bringing my family good not harm"?



Truth is...Hunter will be our bread winner for the family..not me. That doesn't mean I should NEVER make money for our family..in fact I should try and use all my creativity to bless Hunter with a supporting income...but after he gets his degree...the torch will be passed..and it will be passed with a HUGE smile.

Even if I was to practice medicine after I graduated from a 3 year PA school...I would be ITCHING to have kids eventually...



I know there are plenty of moms who can have kids and a full time job...but I can't.



I seriously would rather be doing NOTHING else than being home...even as much as I love medicine...hospitals...doctors...pagers...whitecoats...blackberrys..and cubicles...

I remember when my mom told me she missed some of my "firsts" because I was in day care when I did them....and she was a full-time worker (she was of course single and did not even have a choice to stay home)



The legit sadness in her eyes because she could not be there with me was overbearing...I still to this day have to remind her that it is OK that she missed a lot of my childhood...


With every opportunity in my life..if I am a student..I want to be a wonderful wholehearted student..If I am going to be a bread winner..I want to go above and beyond...if I am going to be a mom...I want to be a FULL time mom!!I would never want to spread myself out with a full time career and a full time family...SICK!



I know I know..there is always the choice of doing part time...but why would I pay all that money to go to school, just to work part time...when my position as full time mom is FREE! No debt!



OK..tangent..

The point was..I am loving teaching....



One of my students got a hundred on her quiz in class the next day after one of our sessions!! She was so excited!...Honestly, I was more excited. I wanted to hug her and jump around the room screaming! She had no idea what she was doing before she came to see me...and then BAM..she understood and killed the quiz.



So do I teach?..this is a career that I can stop and start whenever I want...it doesn't cost 100K...and I'll be able to utilize my experiences teaching when/if I decide to homeschool...which I am truly considering (not because I am scared of public school...bring on the wierdos...but its because I want to be 150% involved in my childrens education. Helping with their homework and teacher-parent conferences are not enough)...



It's an option...



Another option ...is moving up in the cancer research career path...



MDACC is a WONDERFUL place to work as far as the institution goes...



I get to work across the street from Hunter...I love being in the medical field...and cancer research is SO meaningful...and thank God...it is paying the bills still...



Question two: Do we take advantage of a plummeting housing market or not? Do we continue to throw rent money away every month to live in 800 sq feet...or do we invest in a cheap house that will give us a crazy return?

Do you know how much money it takes to live 3 seconds away from the medical center...it is expensive.



Luckily we have found great deals on apartments..but still..the cost of living is nuts...



Question three: Do I look dumb in glasses?

Well, too bad...because I have to wear them...for like ever

Not even joking...I have been diagnosed with chronic conjunctivitis...

In other words...as a poor college student..I did not take care of my contacts..and my eyes tried to fight off an infection that was my contact...and under a microscope they look gross...

So, no contacts for me for a long time...and now I am glasses-bound...

SEE all these changeeeess!

Too much for me...I like consistency..I like routine and predictability..with some spunk.. don't get me wrong..I don't like boring...just normalness...

Well..this is only the beginning...Way more to come...